Just Jokes!Top 10

#A Parental Nightmare…

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for cancer so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

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2#The Explanation

A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.
She says, “That’s it, I’m leaving & never coming back.”

He says, “Don’t you at least want to hear my explanation?”

She shrugs & says, “Fine, let’s hear your story. This had better be good!”

He says, “Well, I’m driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn’t fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her some of the leftover roast beef from the fridge that has just been sitting there. Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, she thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
…And here we are.”

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#3 BIRTH CONTROL!
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
“We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”

The next woman says “I am too but we use the rhythm
method.”

The third woman says “We use the bucket and saucer
method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?”, the others
ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven… and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out .

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#4 JEALOUSY
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. “Oh Marie,” she said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute !” Marie snapped.”You’re just saying that to make me jealous !!!”

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#5 Cheating!

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#6  Birthday Message

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says, “Put ‘You’re not getting older,’ at the top and ‘You’re getting better’ at the bottom.”

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

“You’re not getting older at the top, You’re getting better at the bottom.”

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#7  EXHAUSTED!
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”

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#8  ULTIMATE DESIRE!
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I’LL poop on its head!”

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#9 Where Did We Came From?

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race begin?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the humanrace was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

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#10 The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, “Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!”

The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes, I am.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’ve come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?”

MAN: “Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers.”

WOMAN: “OK, Honey! Now you’re talking! I can’t wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don’t be long! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

~ by moonaai on March 18, 2009.